Unplanned Complications
by midorema
Summary: Alois comes up with the great idea of gouging out Ciel's eye. Oh wait, then he'd be blind. Mostly. Whoops. - Complete and utter crack.
1. Chapter 1

_a/n: For Rina. Happy birthday! THIS IS RANDOM, STUPID CRACK. _

**Ciel with a Chance of Eyeballs**

Today was a day unlike every other. The Trancy household was exceptionally busy, for once. Maids were running around trying to prepare for Ciel Phantomhive's visit. The triplets were working hard to arrange the table settings. Hannah was scrubbing dutifully at the staircase banister. Claude was preparing lunch in the kitchen, alongside two other cooks—new staff hired just for the occasion.

Alois Trancy was, as expected, in his room. Sitting on his bed. Staring out the window, not even thinking of ways to trip Ciel Phantomhive as he walked in or the best way to drop a heavy object on him from above or what to put in his food.

Today, all of the commotion had woken Alois a tad early—7 A.M. instead of 8—and he was _not _a happy camper. Or Lord. Or child. Or possibly bipolar psychopath with a thing for eyeballs. Whatever. The point was, Alois was not happy. Today, he would not settle for simply _poisoning _Ciel Phantomhive. That wasn't enough punishment for _anyone _who had awakened Alois Trancy too early in the morning. No, Ciel Phantomhive was going to be punished in a different way.

Alois had been thinking something to do with knives and a lot of sharp objects and possibly a dramatic window-shattering scene. Or maybe something with a bridge from which Ciel would drop from in slow motion, then drown in the watery depths beneath. But that would require a lot of planning. And Alois didn't have enough time to devise different ways force Ciel off a bridge.

Although on second thought, killing the Phantomhive Earl was probably not the smartest idea. There might be paperwork. And Alois hated paperwork almost as much as he hated getting up in the morning.

Maybe he could break Ciel's leg…or arm. Or both. But that wouldn't be quite enough, would it? Broken bones would heal. This was proving to be a rather difficult problem…maybe ripping off a lim—

There was a tentative knock at the door, and a streak of silver hair was just visible through the crack. Then Hannah's slightly bruised, bandaged face appeared.

Alois turned to glare at her viciously.

"U-um—Claude said to bring you these clothes while he was busy preparing food…he said you should dress immediately, since Earl Phantomhive will be arriving short—" Hannah's explanation was cut off by a loud, slightly maniacal shriek from her young master.

"THAT'S IT!" Alois leapt to his feet, ran to the door, flung it open, and promptly kicked Hannah out of the way, sprinting down the stairs in nothing but his extremely girly nightgown.

Hannah raised an eyebrow.

"Young master, I sent clothes up for you, you really should be dressed by n—" Claude Faustus chided, turning away from the steaming pot as Alois threw open the kitchen door with a bang.

"Claude! Claude Claude Claude Claude Claude Claude Clau—"

Said butler gave a long sigh. "I apologize for interrupting, young master, but I really must get back to preparing for Earl Phantomhi—"

"I'M GOING TO RIP OUT HIS EYEBALL, CLAUDE."

There was a pause.

Claude straightened his glasses. "…Pardon me, young master, but—"

Alois grinned his I-promise-there-will-be-lots-and-lots-of-violence grin and whispered conspiratorially, "I'm going to rip out Ciel Phantomhive's eyeball. The one that's not covered by the eye patch, I mean. That one's probably already gone. Or all gross. I don't want to touch _that _one. But isn't it a great plan, Claude?"  
"Pardon me again, young master, but…why?"

Alois looked affronted. "Why what?"

"Why do you wish to…ah, "rip out" Earl Phantomhive's eyeball?"

Blue eyes rolled skyward as if Claude was the dullest crayon in the box. "Because he got me up in the morning."

Claude seemed to think he was treading in dangerous waters, because he was speaking slowly and carefully, as if Alois was three years old. "Earl Phantomhive was not in the mansion this mor—"

"I know that, Claude!" Alois interrupted. "But he's _coming _isn't he? And that's why you all made all that racket and _woke me up this morning. _And since I can't murder or maim all of you in one day, I decided I might as well blame Ciel Phantomhive, since _he's _the reason you were all clanking around, isn't—Claude, why are you backing away? Claude? Claude? CLAUDE, GET BACK HERE!"

* * *

A sneeze echoed the carriage compartment. "Are you sick, young master?" Sebastian asked, handing Ciel a tissue.

Ciel glared at him. "No_. _I must be allergic to something. Did you let your _feline _climb all over you this morning?" Ciel hissed the word 'feline' as if it meant 'the maggots that crawl inside dead people's eyeballs and eat all the goo inside'.

"No, young master. I did not visit Miss C. Elle this morning."

"Excuse me?"

"The 'feline' you spoke of, young master."

"Yes, but did you just say you named i—"

Sebastian turned suddenly and pointed to the window. "Look, young master, we're approaching the Trancy mansion. Are you prepared?"

Ciel raised any eyebrow. "…Prepared for what?"

"Meeting Lord Trancy, of course!" Sebastian grinned. "I heard he can be quite dangerous to those who cross his path, and according to the papers, you called him an airheaded pansy who had no sense for anything but sitting around all day,"

"Yes, and the papers also say he was abducted by fairies. How much harm can he _really _do?" Ciel rolled his eyes (yes, even the one covered by the eye patch).

Sebastian shrugged. "What if he has a demon butler? An _evil _demon butler. One more powerful than me, even!" Sebastian was grinning now, and the glare on Ciel's face was becoming more and more pronounced. "One who can wield knives and even use the _spoons _as weapons! One who can even cook _babies _without flinching! One who—"

"Do me a favor and shut up. Now. And yes, that was an order,"

* * *

"I'm not sure I want to dirty my hands…do you think a spoon would dig out an eyeball properly, Claude? A large one?"

"I'm afraid I wouldn't know the best methods for eye-gouging, young master,"

Alois pouted and crossed his arm. "But you're a _demon," _he whined. "You should know these things! Maybe I really _was _abducted by fairies,"

Claude sighed and pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, a sure sign that he was extremely annoyed. "Please control yourself, young master. Earl Phantomhive will be here shortly," the butler replied shortly.

Alois tried his best steely-eyed glare, but Claude didn't even glance at him. "_Fine. _Whatever," he huffed, and turned toward the door expectantly, tapping his foot, arms still tightly crossed.

Several minutes passed in silence.

No one appeared at the door.

"…Claude, I'm bored,"

There was the distinct sound of grinding teeth.

* * *

"Sebastian, do you think the Trancy household will have cake?"  
"…"

"I'm rather hungry, you see. Do you think so?"

"…"

"Sebastian, answer me."

"Oh, am I allowed to speak again, young master?"

"Very witty, Sebastian. Now, about the cake—"

"Your sweet tooth is really a terrible habit, young master," sighed Sebastian. "And quite frankly, I have no idea about the issue of cake or lack thereof at this estate. Now, if you would please—we've just about arrived,"

Ciel huffed, but quickly clambered out of the carriage as soon as Sebastian had pulled down the steps and opened the door (which only took about three seconds). "But Sebastian, I'm hungry,"

"I'm sure they will have prepared a meal for you. It's not even noon yet, young master," Sebastian pointed out.

"Regardless, I'm still hungry," Ciel muttered, hurrying past his butler, toward the large wooden doors.

Sebastian only just refrained from rolling his eyes. "Pardon my rudeness, but I'm not going to continue this conversation, young master," he said, reaching for the brass knocker.

The door swung open before he had a chance, and a blur of yellow and blue raced out and wrapped its arms around Ciel.

"CIEL, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!"

The blue-haired boy took several steps back, only to find a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy firmly attached to him by every limb possible. "Um…Lord Trancy?"

"Don't be silly, I'm Alois!" Alois grinned brightly. "All-o-iiiiis. Say it with me,"

Ciel raised an eyebrow. "Alois?"

"Good Ciel!" Alois patted the other boy lightly on the head, as if he were a pet. "Now, how about you come inside, and I pluck out that lovely e—I mean, eat some cake?" the blond batted his eyes and smiled brightly.

Only at the coming of the apocalypse would a sugar-deprived Ciel Phantomhive deny the opportunity for cake.

Alois decided that a spoon would be a perfect instrument for eyeball gouging.

"Okay, Claude, here's the plan—Claude, stop pretending not to listen, I _know _you hear me—you're going to make sure Sebastian's occupied; like, try stabbing him or something, I don't care, frankly, and then I'll go for the eyeball. Make sure to give me at least ten minutes—remember how long Hannah took me, I mean, serious—"

"I don't believe that would be entirely appropria—"

"Would you rather I rip out someone else'seye instead?" Alois asked sweetly.

Silence.

"Good. Five minutes, okay? You put the herbs in the cake, right?"

Claude sighed. "I put in the herbs you gave me, yes. Are you sure this is—

"Of _course, _Claude. Now, go do your job. Shoo, shoo!"

Ciel was enjoying his cake immensely. "Sebastian, why isn't your cake ever this good? I think there's something special about the frosting, I mean, really…it's amazing. And like, there's something in the texture of the _cake, _too. Something soft, and really, really, really—"Ciel's cake monologue cut off, as he abruptly took a faceplant into the dessert.

Unfortunately, Sebastian was otherwise occupied with Claude trying to run him through with various sharp objects outside of the mansion, so no one was there to stop Ciel's face from meeting with pink frosting.

With a giggle of delight, Alois crept out from his clever hiding place behind the doorway, spoon in hand, and an evil grin lighting his face.

* * *

_a/n: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RINA. I hope you aren't too disappointed of my slaughtering of our plot-baby. Poor Ciel. 8D I'll finish this someday, I promise. Have a happy 15__th__! _


	2. Chapter 2

**Ciel with a Chance of Eyeballs II **

The spoon glittered ominously in the afternoon light, and Alois was almost sad that soon it was going to be bloodstained. And holding Ciel's eye. Not that Ciel's eye was ugly or anything. It was kind of a nice shade of blue-nothing like Alois's own, but still. It would like kind of nice on a shelf or something. He grinned, poking Ciel's face with the spoon, trying to figure out how to best pry out the eyeball. He only had so much time, since Claude couldn't possibly keep Sebastian busy for long.

He gritted his teeth and readied the spoon.

Ciel dreamed of cake and happy things.

* * *

Outside, Sebastian was sitting on Claude. Because he could. Clearly, the other butler hadn't had any idea about how best to dismember a demon, because trying to rip off an arm without using something special, like a chainsa-er, that is, a Death scythe-just wasn't going to cut it. Claude had hardly made a mark. And also, he made a pretty comfortable couch. Although a little too talkative, in Sebastian's opinion. Something halfway between complaining about Alois Trancy and cursing Sebastian out.

"It isn't befitting for a butler to use such foul language," Sebastian pointed out, delicately grabbing another pastry from the nearby table, which had apparently been prepared for Claude to smash Sebastian's body upon, for dramatic effect. Although he had to reach up a little to grab the cup of tea, it was worth it. A comfortable couch, good food, no Ciel yapping about this or that. Sebastian was pretty sure he wasn't going to move anytime soon. Even if Claude wasn't done insulting somebody's mother and ordering Sebastian off him in the same breath.

Until the peaceful, Claude-cursing atmosphere was shattered by an unmistakable shriek.

"GET THAT GODDAMN BLOODY SPOON AWAY FROM ME, ALOIS TRANCY!"

* * *

"Sebastian. There is a SPOON in my eye. I think I'm perfectly at right to curse as much as I want, thank you," Ciel said tersely, as Sebastian tried his best to work the large, silver eating utensil out of Ciel's eye socket. "And preferably you do this operation without finishing what Sir Trancy started,"

Alois, who was currently being restrained by Claude, whined, "It's ALOIS. All-ooiii-esss. We went over when you first walked in, remember?" Claude wrapped a hand tiredly over his master's mouth as Ciel sent a murderous glare (with his non-half-spooned eye) in their direction.

"Stop moving so much, young master, or you will actually lose the use of your eye," Sebastian ordered. "You may make up new commands about torturing Earl Trancy in peace, as long as you stay still. As for you, Claude Faustus, I would have thought you'd have performed the least bit of restraint over your master when he had the idea of gouging out another's eye with a spoon," Alois attempted to say something, but it only came out as "mmph errf jeruf!". Sebastian ignored him. "I, for one, would never let my young master do so much as eat dessert before dinner-"

"A fact I well remember," Ciel muttered. "All I wanted was one slice of strawberry shortcake, but noo. I had to have a proper dinner first,"

"Young master, this is hardly the time to be discussing your long-harbored grudge over cake," Sebastian chided. "As I was saying, I will hope that you will make at least a small effort to retain your young master the next time he has such a great idea, Claude Faustus. If my using you as a couch wasn't enough-"

"You used him as a couch?" Ciel and Alois (who had fought free of Claude's hand by biting him) asked together.

"-then this mess would surely prove that you are an inferior butler to myself," Sebastian finished.

Ciel snorted. "Was that all that little speech was for?"

Claude rolled his eyes and wrapped his hand around Alois's mouth again, as the blond began shouting something very rude and physically impossible.

The demon butler shrugged. "Mm, almost done now, young master. I'm going to remove the spoon now,"

"Finally," the blue-haired boy muttered.

"And one, two..." Sebastian began.

"BLOODY HELL!"

"Young Master, stay STILL,"

"HOLY-" Alois was sure he'd never heard so many curse words all at once before. Claude tried to cover his ears, but Alois just squirmed out of reach and stared with awe at Ciel, who was still uttering every curse word he knew.

Sebastian sighed. "Young Master, you would have thought that the branding, your contract eye and your many long years of angsty imprisonment would have prepared you for such pain-and please keep STILL, unless you want the eye to come up out with the spoon!"

Ciel growled. Most of the people in the room found it rather adorable. "That was a bloody hell of a long time ago, Sebastian. Is it out yet?"

"Not yet, young master,"

Alois decided now was a good time to make his point. "Claude wouldn't ever let ME get a spoon stuck in my eye," he told Ciel proudly.

The Phantomhive heir shot him the finger from under Sebastian's arm.

"OH, FU-SEBASTIAN!"

Alois giggled something inappropriate from behind Claude's hand.

"Almost out now, Young Master-and...done,"

"BLOODY HELL, that was worse than the fucking corset," Ciel complained, clapping one hand over his now spoon-free eye. "Dear God in Heaven-"

Alois's eyes widened in glee. "You wore a CORSET? For real?" he asked excitedly. "Does that mean you dressed as a girl, too? Like-"

"I swear to god I will rip off your arm and choke you with it," Ciel said calmly. "Unless you shut up NOW. If you do, I'll be kind and just shoot you, and we'll have one less brat polluting the air,"

Sebastian looked like he wanted to say something, but stopped, just as Ciel shot him one of his "if-you-do-I-will-order-you-to-murder-every-goddamn-feline-on-this-earth" glares.

Alois stayed silent for approximately 2 seconds. "But, like. Why were you wearing one in the first place? Did SEBASTIAN put it on you? Did you have steamy, passionate-"

A bloody spoon went flying in Alois's direction. Alois dodged, which was kind of unnecessary, since the spoon dropped several feet away from him, since Ciel had the same throwing abilities as a two year old.

"How would you like Claude to have to gouge a FORK out of your eye instead of a spoon?" Ciel asked. "That is, before I rip off your arm and choke you with it,"

Alois gave an undignified shriek and backed away several paces. "OHMYGOD CRAZY CIEL-CLAUDE, HELP! CLAUDE! PROTECT ME FROM THE RABIES, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Ciel raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"RABIES, CIEL. THAT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR. YOU HAVE RABIES, IT'S MAKING YOU INSA-"

At this, Sebastian was surprised Ciel didn't spontaneously combust, for as much as he tried.

"YOU'RE CALLING ME INSANE? AFTER YOU BLOODY STUCK A DAMN SPOON IN MY EYE? EXCUSE ME? AND RABIES? EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT THE ONE WITH A SNIFFING FETISH! OR A THING FOR EYEBALLS, EITHER!" Ciel screeched (before this moment, no one in the room knew that Ciel's voice could actually reach notes that even opera singers had trouble with). "AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ALL ME INSANE? REALLY, ALOIS TRANCY? REALLY?" Ciel was not going to settle with just strangling Alois with his own arm NOW. Oh, no. Now he was going to rip off his limbs, stuff him in the oven, and see how long it would take for him to become a freshly baked Alois. Or even better, rip off his limbs and bake him in a cake, or rip off his limbs and-

"I think it would be best if you leave now, with all due respect," Claude said. Ciel looked at him in surprise. He hadn't been aware that Claude was capable of speech.

Alois was still cowering behind Claude, and suddenly, Ciel had a great plan. Stomping around Claude, he grabbed at Alois, who made to get away, but Ciel held on fast.

With Alois held still, Ciel turned the blond around, and promptly kneed him in the groin area as hard as he could.

"Mm, that was actually mildly satisfying," Ciel nodded. "I don't have the energy to cover up a murder right now, you see. I hope that will suffice until I find the time to properly kill you. Good day," the short, blue-haired, slightly demonic child promptly turned on his heel and headed toward the door, Sebastian following with a very amused smirk.

Alois was still writhing on the floor in pain.

Ciel smiled.

All was well.

* * *

_a/n: Can you say STUPID? Because I sure can. ;_; I'm sorry. I. I. Tried. I wrote this while trying to write an OC story at a creative writing class, and I failed EPICALLY. /shot. Yes, it's over. No more. Non. And you can come at me with pitchforks all like, "THAT WAS ONLY 1400 WORDS YOU DOOFUS GO BACK AND WRITE MORE. BETTER. NOWWW." And I'll be like, "No way, dudes. Never going back to THAT again!" …Uh, yeah. Sorry. /shot again. Oh. And I expected like 5 reviews at MOST. And instead I got ALL OF YOU, thank you ever so much. :D While I will mostly likely NEVER write this kind of ridiculous crack EVER again, you guys definitely made me want to write more Kuro!_


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